Disappearing Love

My husband and I were blessed to be raised in a community surrounded by healthy examples of marriage. These couples served as confirmation of the teachings imparted in us by our parents. They were surrogate eyes that watched over us in our parent’s absence. They were our village. Each of these couples were unique in their own form. They faced their own set of challenges and setbacks but at the end of the day, the foundation of their marriages were based on three principles: God, Love and Commitment.

Over the past two months, we have received the sad news about the death of two wives from the aforementioned couples. Our hearts grieved their passing and for their husbands. The love these two men showed for their wives even after death is becoming a rarity. One night during pillow talk, Travis looked at me and said “I couldn’t imagine rolling over at night and you not being here. It hurts too much to think about. I can’t even begin to imagine how they (the husbands) must feel." I told him, it was the same for me. I said, “I don’t think I could function if I lost you. I wouldn’t know how to breathe without you.” My husband pulled me tighter and held me like there was no tomorrow.

You would think death would bring people closer but we are living in a time where for most people, it doesn’t. People don’t take the time to appreciate what they have left after a person dies. They don’t take pause to hug their children a little tighter. They don’t kiss their spouses a little longer. Death doesn’t heighten their desire to spend even more quality time with the family left behind. They don’t support families throughout the entire grieving process. After the funeral, they are out!

And then there are those who see death as a payoff. They anxiously await the life insurance check or reading of the will. Some people see death as a release. After the funeral they immediately begin the search to replace the person they’ve lost. There are others who use death as an excuse to show their true feelings to the family left behind. They go from loving the family to hating them. They no longer have to put on an “act” because the person they were performing for is gone. And let’s not forget the ones who are so caught up on self, they neglect the people around them.

When my sister first passed away, we heard the kindest things about her from some of the same people she thought hated her. I was numb from my tears so I sat there thinking to myself while they spoke, “Wow, either Toshia was wrong about you, or you are the world’s most obese liar.” Since I knew my sister, I knew I was listening to fat untruth. Instead of saying, “I should have treated her better”, they continued to mock her memory by lying about the relationship they had with her. The person she thought loved her the most said to us, “She didn’t know me as well as she thought she did. From now on, I’m just going to live my life.” I have watched family dinners decrease, the demise of extended family vacations, and the making of memories slowly fade away. In today’s time, after a person dies, families start over with other people, not each other. Memories are made with other people, not each other. 

You have a few people here and there that  will try to keep everyone together, but eventually they tire out and lose hope. People are becoming desensitized to death. It doesn’t increase their desire to get closer to God or hold tighter to their loved ones. It doesn’t point out poor choices that led to a person’s demise or eternal resting place. Death is now seen only as something that will eventually happen to everyone. 

My husband and I have decided, this is a mindset that will not take over our family. Our family heritage will not slowly fade away with death. We are teaching our children to always love, support and remember. Death will not divide us: on this side or in Heaven. While it comes with tremendous pain, death will serve as a reminder of what’s most important; family, friends and eternal life.